33 and Sprouting!

"What dying will I go through this year?"

This is "the question" I asked myself when the clock struck midnight and I turned 33 last year, June 2021. You see, as a Christian, 33 is a pretty significant number. In our tradition, it is believed to be the age of Jesus Christ when he got crucified and died on the cross. Yes, I know this is quite a morbid question to mull over during a birthday but I did indulge myself in reflecting on it.

Well, I did not mean the literal, physical death. I am thankful for my life and I want to live longer amidst the hurdles and struggles. There are so many things going on in the world, both beautiful and horrible. And despite the many stark contrasts, it is still worth living in and for it.

But what kind of dying am I seeking? Will this dying be life-giving?

I was so serious about answering this question that I decided to go for an 8-day silent retreat. On the third day, my spiritual director asked me to reflect on Psalm 139. My favorite line from the passage is verse 4, "I praise You because I am wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works! My very self You know."

Such a consoling line!

But I struggled with it.

I could feel the tension between believing and dismissing the thought.

I am struggling with so many issues. I am scared of rejection and I seek approval and acceptance. I am scared of failure and I aspire for achievement. I usually perform, pressure, and prove myself to others. I tend to overwork to meet their expectations. I even define myself with the work that I do. I am more of a human "doing" rather than a human "being."

Is this who I truly am? Is this the truly wonderfully created me? I grappled with this question and sought help from God in my prayer to help me recover my deepest, truest self and "be" that self.

I am a strong believer in this adage: "Be careful what you wish (or pray) for." Months after my retreat, an invitation called the Gandhi-Mandela-Freire Fellowship came in my email. Not fully knowing the breadth of what this program would ask of me, I jumped in. My faith tells me that this is God's way of answering my prayer.

February was tough. In many instances, I would ask myself, "What am I getting myself into?!" The demand on the time is quite difficult but the invitations revealed by our learning encounters are deeply challenging. All of the encounters appear to be calling and asking me to die off and from something.

One is to die from personal structures which are not truly liberating and life-giving. The utilitarian mindset which is deeply embedded within me is one I can think of; how I tied up my being and my worth with the results of my work and performance. A realization came to my mind after my friends and I talked about our personal issues and struggles last Thursday: "Life should not be a performance."

"....unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit." (John 12:24). I bought and planted vegetable seeds last Wednesday. And I got so ecstatic because I already saw sprouts coming out. And it got me thinking that some things buried deep within me need to die so that new life will begin to sprout.

Here's to more years of dying and eventually, sprouting!