Budding to be a Feminist

I've been doing a lot of digging in my life lately, discovering and reclaiming the buried memories and stories which are crucial to my becoming. And I'd like to begin with the story of my name.

I just found out last December that my surname “Racaza” was from my grandmother’s. All this time I thought that Papa is bringing the family name of his father who left him and my grandmother when they lived in Manila. When they migrated to Cebu, my Lola got married and take on the surname “Tapang.”

"Tapang" is the Filipino word for courage. My father kept the “Racaza”. My siblings and I would sometimes joke around wondering what it would be like if “Tapang” is our family name. I would be “Marnie D. Tapang” then. While this would make my name sound so courageous and would remind me of the goodness of the grandfather I grew up with, I am just really grateful that Lola decided to use her family name for Papa’s name.

As someone who just recently considered so seriously a gendered lens in my teaching and studying of Theology, this new information is deeply meaningful to me. Reflecting on this, I saw my Lola’s defiance and non-conformity to social norms set on women. And above all, I saw her resilience and agency amidst the many adversities she encountered, like many women in the world. She was a fighter.

My middle name is of course from my mother who is also in many ways defiant of gender roles and, particularly, of expressions. While some mothers are quite hesitant to expose their children to activities without their supervision, I was brought up by my mother to be comfortable being on my own. I was 7 years old when she allowed me to join scouting and go on camping trips without her around. While she was very fond of dressing us up when my sister and I were little, she never imposed stereotyped “feminine” dress codes when I was growing up. Like her, I prefer wearing jeans and polo shirts, flat shoes, and we both don’t like putting on make-up. Mama was quite strict about going home on time when I was a teenager, however, she did not restrict me from joining groups that have activities that finished late just because I am a girl.

However, this growth is not without its tensions. Along with reclaiming and spreading out my feminist roots, recognizing and breaking out from the shell of the seed, that is gender stereotypes that I have imbibed and perpetuated due to patriarchal mindsets and values, is necessary. Patriarchy thrives on domination and subordination. In subtle and unconscious ways, I have been influenced by these ways. I used to view empowerment as competing, beating, and getting ahead of the males in my social circle. I used to see feminine expressions and ways as weak while being masculine is cool. My ideation of an ideal woman is more on decency, discipline, and propriety. I cannot forget this one instance wherein I told my students to dress appropriately so that they will not be harassed. Mea culpa, mea culpa. I realized that I should not have said this because showing respect is not dependent on the person’s clothes. Part of growing is the awareness and breaking out of these few of the many indicators of internalized misogyny.

I consider myself as a bud in being a feminist and in doing feminist theology. These stories which are embedded in my name and the awareness of the necessity to break out from molds and mindsets which are detrimental to my and others’ growths are my nourishments. Dr. Nat posed an essential question to us, "What narratives or stories do I want to live by and nurture?" As a budding feminist, I want to honor and bring with me the stories of courage and empowerment exemplified by the many women in my life.